Thinking about thinking....

I think that I think to much.  And I think I spend to much time thinking.  I think about the past and what I could have done different. I think about the future and worry about what is to come, but in the end what does it bring me?  I really don't know.... But a lot of wasted time.  I heard a quote today that made me stop and think (har har) about thinking to much....

"You can't change the past, but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future."  - Unknown

I really like this. My mind goes 500 mph already, and the only thing I can do to get it to slow down is to produce music, which is actually something I've been able to focus on lately.  When I'm creating, I'm able to focus more on my job, and am able to be a better team asset at work.  So instead of spending my time thinking about thinking, I'm gonna write.

I'm joining a group of 6 other guys, where I'll be contributing to a.... blog of sorts.  The idea is that there are 7 of us, and each day someone will post something, so that in essence there will be new content everyday.  The theme of the blog, is to create. Whether it's a short story, a song, poem, or a piece of artwork, there will be something new every day. I think this will really help me focus and be more productive.  It will also push me to get projects done, projects that have been sitting in my 'to do' folder for far to long.

Affects and effects of 'What If'

I'm spending time with an amazing friend tonight.  In the big picture we only have hours left together.  Watching a movie about real reactions to the perceptions other people have about you, and it makes me think.  And we're talking about life.  About choices. About how having all your ducks lined up in a row just gives you a big duck.  Talking about keeping the creative side of you alive, and needing that outlet.  I'm attracted to her, but its different. Different than anything I've ever felt before.  No, not that 'man, this is different I can see myself with this person' kind of different, or the 'shes just so different than all the other girls' sort of different.  I don't really... know how to handle the different, and for the first time in my life I'm not able to put in words how she makes me feel..  My mind literally draws blanks, but at the same time I feel open...  I feel human again....  So real, and honest.  So I am myself.  The real Rob.  I can connect with this person on an almost spiritual level when it comes to music, art, and self expression.  Not many people see the side of Rob that I hope they can see, but this one? she can read me like a book.  And what if she didn't have a boyfriend? Who knows... What if we met under different circumstances?  No one could truly say.  But I want to know.  Has this person affected me? or has she effected me?

I think, that along with the rest of society, I spent the majority of my thoughts pondering 'what if.'  Not that I have any regrets... I've made my mistakes but I've learned from (most of) them.  I just feel like there are so many different roads my life could have gone, and wondering what sort of person I would be today if I had made different decisions.  Would I be laying on a bed in Iraq deep in thought right now? Or would I be at the park playing with my daughter?  Would I have a daughter?  I don't want to think about my life without her so I'm going to stop thinking about what if for now.

Our decisions define who we are, and who we interact with affects our decisions.

There's something to be said....

There's something to be said about being able to reach a multitude of people with your thoughts.  I have tried blogging before and lost interest, but I've made my mind up, and I'm going to put my thoughts out there for anyone who wants to listen.  I'm by no means an amazing writer, and anyone who knows me will tell you that I speak best in lyrics and song.  So this blog will be dedicated to what goes on in my head, and I invite you to come along for the ride.

I'll start by posting some lyrics I've written while deployed in Iraq.  I am recently divorced and had a lot of time to think about how everything got to that point... Like I said; I'm no good with words, so I'll let the lyrics do the talking.

So, my dearest love

The glove fits, I’m not amused

Infused, still excused

Now we’re dying, love

In awe of what we’ve wasted

The end, I’ve tasted

A sailor at sea

Waves return, convey cliché

Breathe in, burn away

Down into the depths

Algae laden claws take me

Ache, break, just take me

I wrote this in the traditional Japanese poem form of a Haiku.  5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 again in the last.  The music is written in a similar form; 5 bars of 5/4 time, 7/4 time, 5/4 time, then 7 bars of 5/4 time, 7/4 time, 5/4 time, and ending with 5 bars so it keeps the 5-7-5 format.  I return home very soon, and will be recording this.

"Music is the mediator between the spiritual and the sensual life." - Ludwig van Beethoven